Your mental health journey is nobody else’s business

Yes, I’ve tried yoga. The Calm app doesn’t work for me. No, I don’t have to explain myself to you.

Around the time of summer 2010, in the days of BBM ‘pings’ and incessant Facebook posting, Amanda Bynes, a childhood heroine of mine, experienced a very public psychotic and mental breakdown that turned her traumatic and terrifying experience into a circus, with a public jury out to obsess, observe and turn to hysterics over her actions and spiralling downfall. Stories of her walking around New York in different wigs, throwing a bong out of her apartment window, accusing her family members of molesting her and erratic tweeting were stamped across headlines. Everybody seemed to revel at her confusing and, outwardly amusing behaviour, prompting a public commentary of her being ‘crazy’ and kicking off an early 2010’s stigma of mental health problems. Courtney Love, perhaps one of the most public self-confessed ‘hot messes’, told Bynes to ‘pull it together’. After being diagnosed with bipolar and manic depressive episodes, she was admitted to rehab and disappeared from the public eye for a number of years.

I can’t imagine how terrifying it must feel to be going through a nervous breakdown, let alone with hundreds of thousands of people watching it go down, treating you like a kind of circus animal and laughing at, even attacking you for something you cannot control. Something that exists due to the particular chemical imbalance and biological wiring of your brain.

I sometimes think back to these events and wonder how they would be handled in a time where the discussion of mental health is undoubtedly more open, but far from what is appropriate to remove the stigma from these disorders such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and GADs (General Anxiety Disorders). Would we still label Amanda Bynes as crazy? Would her breakdown be fair game to criticise and analyse because of her public standing and fame, or would we be more respectful of her recovery?

There has definitely been a shift in terms of how we discuss mental health, but not all for the better. The ‘stressed, depressed but well-dressed’ mentality that many seem to flaunt as a kind of lifestyle irks me to no end, mainly because it highlights one extreme end of the spectrum that many in society deem as acceptable; one end is glamourising mental illnesses such as depression, romanticising the feelings of utter despair and hopelessness, the other ignoring and rejecting those suffering from legitimate mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder or anxiety as crazy or too sensitive. Various mental illnesses do not ‘rank’ higher than the other; they are separate, vastly complex illnesses that exist on a spectrum that need to be treated equally in both attention to treatment and how they are perceived. Of course, there are different moderations and levels of how severely these disorders affect the subject, but just because one may differ in severity than the other doesn’t mean it is less important, traumatising or effective in the daily lives of the affected. Those who suffer from mental illnesses are often subject to being constantly asked to explain their afflictions, what’s ‘wrong’ with them, to go into detail about what therapy is like, did they ‘have something happen’ to them to make them the way they are? There is such a lack of understanding of these illnesses from people who aren’t afflicted by them, often through no fault of their own but also due to ignorance, that it is often the affected who feel they have to be the ones to explain, to verify these often stigmatised and misunderstood illnesses.

One aspect of mental illness that I personally have felt a need to explain in the past is the use of medication to treat my disorder. It is exasperating, that in a time where celebrities and influencers are throwing words about mental health and ‘being open’ and ‘starting a conversation’ around, sharing hashtags and reposting Mental Health Awareness links on their Instagram story, the legitimate and scientific need to use medication in order to treat and make life bearable for people is met with such distain and trashing from these exact same people. Of course, the shame around using medication is a more complex phenomena due to the mistrust of science and drugs that many people feel. I honestly feel that if you suffer from a mental health disorder that makes your life so unbearable that you cannot get out of bed in the morning or lead a functioning life, there should be absolutely no question from anybody as to why you would want to treat those symptoms with medication. Would you ask somebody who is suffering from cancer why they choose to take their medication, why they don’t just do it the ‘natural way’? If you genuinely think you would have the balls to ask a cancer patient that question, I ask that you rethink your mindset greatly, and dismount from whatever high horse you find yourself sitting on. No offence, obviously.

I recently read an article from Vasco Barreto, a molecular immunologist from Portugal who has suffered from depression in his lifetime. He describes the effects of depression, which can be offset from diseases such as GADs, bipolar disorder and more, in the most comprehensive way possible. ‘Diseases such as depression can be a chronic, recurring and debilitating illness that turns you into a prostrated citizen, an absent or incompetent employee, a needy friend, a self-absorbed partner, a useless parent. You can’t think clearly, you can’t make decisions, often you can’t get out of bed in the morning and, even if you manage to stand up, you won’t find anything worth engaging with, not even your regular hobbies or your dearest friends and relatives. You also tend to ruminate endlessly, fuelled by feelings of guilt and worthlessness, which sometimes leads to suicide ideation, suicide attempt and death’. He goes on to say something that I think lies at the root of many people’s scepticism and disapproval of medication to treat mental illness, ‘We have an inbuilt need for self-control, and the idea that a drug fixes our behaviour is not attractive’.

We are a generation of perfectionists, desperate to ‘fix’ ourselves, by ourselves. I understand that the use of medication is daunting and does not come without its faults, or unpleasant side effects (try intense nausea for the first three weeks, dry mouth, headaches, irritability, the loss of a sex drive or interest in anything intimate). Many have tried meds, hated them, come off them and tried alternative methods of treatment which has worked for them. Others have tried everything from meditation to CBT to therapy and have just not responded well to anything, leaving them with the often ‘final’ option of medication. It’s not something that I would advise jumping straight into either, and I cannot condone the over subscription of antidepressants and SSRI’s that is currently the problem in many societies. It should be something that you’ve thought through and discussed with your doctor, who at the end of the day, knows what they are talking about - this new wave of anti-medical snobbery should not be the reason for you to reject their suggestion of medication that could help you achieve better mental health, or the reason why others feel that your decision is the “unnatural” one. Listen to the experts, decide with their knowledge what the best is for your situation. Everybody is different in their journey to bettering themselves, and whatever choice you make should be absolutely your own business if you want to keep it that way.

You shouldn’t have to explain your choices to anybody, whether that be to validate your existence as somebody suffering from an illness, why you want to cut down on drinking or drugs or the reason for you deciding to take a day to yourself to focus on what you need. Those who care about you should be able to leave their own presumptions and opinions at the door when it comes to how you treat your mental health, instead opting to research your condition if you wish to share it with them, educating themselves so that they can be there for you when you need them, and to ultimately avoid coming across as judgmental or ignorant, even if they do feel they have your best interests at heart.

I hope this essay has brought across some new understanding on this important yet difficult subject. If you are reading this and still don’t agree with what I am saying, think it’s terrible/amazing/feeling flummoxed or just want to know a bit more, I’ve enclosed some articles that I think are really helpful at discussing these issues.

Thanks for reading!
Freya X

“In defence of antidepressants” by Vasco Barreto

“Nobody can agree about antidepressants. Here’s what you need to know” by Clare Wilson

“Society needs to stop the stigma of mental health” by Sarah Behan

“Yes, I’ve tried yoga - Antidepressants in the age of arrogance”